This is personal
Protecting My Sons from Trump and Musk's Toxic Masculinity
In January, Elon Musk celebrated Donald Trump’s election and Justin Trudeau’s resignation by declaring, “masculinity is back!” Which was news to me because I didn’t know it went anywhere. But for Musk, masculinity has a distinct flavor. A post he shared declared that “women and low-Testosterone men” can’t think for themselves because they “can’t defend themselves physically.” To Musk—and Trump—masculinity is about domination. That’s bad for women’s and trans rights and, possibly, the entire world order. But is it actually good for men?
Science says nope. Trump and Musk’s brand of masculinity has been called ‘toxic’ and, true to its name, toxic masculinity poisons its hosts. It leaves men isolated, floundering and without the means to ask for help. It may even shorten their lives. It’s good at selling itself as a solution to our current crisis of masculinity, but really, it’s a trap. I wouldn’t want my sons to fall for it.
Toxic masculinity gets thrown around so much it can sound like a catchall for 'men being jerks,’ but it does have a definition. According to psychiatrist and researcher Terry Kupers, it contains traits like extreme competitiveness and a penchant for violence, a fixation on dominance and inability to nurture, insensitivity to the feelings of others, fear of vulnerability or dependency and the stigmatization of women, trans people, and men who don’t conform to rigid macho norms. It strips away the relational aspects of traditional masculinity: supporting others, being part of a family or community, being someone others can rely on. Trump and Musk’s actions align with much of Kupers’ list1.
Decades of research show that connection, not domination, is the key to a happy and healthy life. A Surgeon General advisory declared social connection “a significant predictor of longevity and better physical, cognitive and mental health,” while social isolation and loneliness predict “premature death and poor health.” Toxic norms lead men to isolate themselves. A 2017 meta-analysis found that conformity to masculine norms of self-reliance, power over women and what the researchers call “playboy” was consistently and robustly related to bad mental health outcomes and less help-seeking. A 2006 study found that “men more conforming to masculine norms around violence, power over women, dominance, playboy, disdain for homosexuals, and pursuit of status” were less likely to talk to their partner or a therapist when depressed: their preferred solution? Having a few drinks. So strong, so healthy!
It is no wonder then that men are four times likelier than women to die of suicides, probably because of untreated depression. Depressed men are more likely to appear angry than sad—anger is more masculine than vulnerability—and thus be misdiagnosed. They self-medicate with drugs and alcohol. Men adhering to masculine norms are more prone to risky behaviors and less likely to go to the doctor. During COVID, men died much more than women, and adherence to norms like power over women was correlated with ignoring CDC recommendations and not wearing a mask. Toxic masculinity actually kills men.
My father was a prime example. He lived in another town for work and only came home on weekends; the sound of his car pulling up on Thursday afternoons marked the end of our domestic peace. At home he was irritable, impatient and abusive, never showed any interest in our feelings or interests but was quick to criticize, mock, yell and slap - us and our mother. He held my brother, in particular, to impossible standards and was never pleased.
Once he was pushed out of his job in his 60s—discarded by the company to which he had devoted 40 years—my father felt lost. Home with a family he never made an effort to understand, he had 10 car accidents in the first 6 months of retirement. Memory loss and failing health left him vulnerable, with no real human connections to fall back on. In his last years he apologized for how he treated us but by then, many wounds were beyond repair—both to our relationship and to his psyche, with traumas left untreated for decades. He tried to commit suicide twice and died depressed and lonely.
I was shocked to discover how common his story was. Older White men have the highest suicide rates - higher than women, Hispanic or Black men. One hypothesis: White men are socialized to dominate, shape the world to their needs and solve problems using force. When old age presents challenges they can’t power away, they have less resilience and fewer coping strategies. White men also have fewer close connections with families, churches and communities than Black and Hispanic men. Again, human connection saves lives, while viewing domination as a man's only goal and force as his only strategy weakens resilience in life’s true challenges—those outside the MMA ring.
Why would I want this miserable fate for my sons? I taught them better. They are thoughtful, kind and astute critical thinkers. But they also live in this world and consume its social media. I don’t want them to think that seeking dominance truly makes you strong.
Is it a privilege to worry about the well-being of American men? They’re not going to die because their care has been criminalized. But the crisis of masculinity is blowing up in our face, and it’s high time to think about how to help men find a better model that does not involve stepping on everyone else. Compassion is not a zero-sum game. Talk to the young men and boys in your life. Inoculate them from toxic masculinity: it will help them, and everyone else too.
A few choice examples: Trump pardoned January 6th rioters convicted or charged with violence and rape, glorifying aggression and dodging accountability. He revoked security details from former members of his administration and cabinet, showing no care for the risk they incur. Trump banned care for vulnerable minors, nominated an alleged sexual abuser to his cabinet and picked a tariff fight with our friendly neighbor. Musk, not to be outdone, called for USAID to “die,” gained access to Americans’ Social Security numbers, and tried to fire thousands of federal employees. And it’s only March.
Yay! Congrats on launching—you’re making it happen!